Amber Heard and Johnny Depp have split, with Amber citing his temper and abuse. (At this point, who knows?) They met on the set of RUM DIARY, based on the book by Hunter S. Thompson (who was a friend and mentor to Depp ever since FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS.) In this scene, among many loosely based on actual experiences, Heard and Depp have a contest to see who will scream first.
ORIGINAL STAR WARS TO BE FILMED AGAIN
Because George Lucas is upset that he sold his company, and because the prequels look so much better than the original film which spawned them, he is negotiating with Harrison Ford and others to reshoot the original film of the series. So STAR WARS is going into re-production, and the remake will no doubt result in a re-filming of the sequels too. . . and then possibly the prequels once again. And on and on. “With the new CG makeup, there’s really no end to it,” George Lucas commented by satellite phone from Sri Lanka. “Call it my gift to the ages.” When asked who Harrison may be teamed with as a love interest, Lucas suggested Gwen Stefani or Christina Aguilera. “Did I mention,” George added, “that the remake will be a musical?”
BRAD PITT FALLS INTO PIT
During rehearsal for a new awards show, actor Brad Pitt slipped on a cue card and fell into the orchestra pit. His head lodged firmly in a tuba, Pitt attempted to climb out, but was struck by a collapsing scaffold. “The tuba probably saved his life,” insisted Harriett Berkendorfer, a temporary set decorator working for scale. “Without the tuba, Brad would now be a circus freak.” Later questioned by police at her People magazine interview, however, Harriett broke down and confessed to being part of an elaborate kidnapping scheme involving several makeup artists and busboys hired by a still fuming Jennifer Aniston. The compromised scaffold was intended to cut Pitt off from bodyguards, and scare him to a side door, where a van was waiting, but was ticketed. “Wearing that tuba, the door was too narrow for him,” Harriett sobbed, “and so our moment of opportunity vanished quicker than Kathy Lee Gifford’s singing career.”
BEVERLY HILLBILLIES STRIKE OIL OFF MELROSE
A tour bus arriving from West Virginia, containing passengers all ironically named Billy Bob, offloaded last night near a Dennys on Melrose. While talking about Jessica Simpson of “Dukes of Hazard” fame, the star struck tourists were treated to ham and eggs in the presence of none other than Billy Bob Thornton, an encounter which left four of them in the hospital when the enraged actor and his bodyguard introduced them to a bubbling french fryer upon being called “cousin.” The fifth Billy Bob then reportedly put his own hands into the fryer. . . for fear his face was next.
RELIGIOUS FANATICS FOILED IN HOLLYWOOD BUST
Across the street from the Beverly Hills Church of Scientology, a SWAT team today burst in on a gathering of the INNER CIRCLE, a secret and selective group of actors, singers, models, designers, and talk show hosts who have sworn allegiance to the cell’s God. Under interrogation, Supergirl actress Calista Flockhart shared her group’s goals. “We intend to rid the world of anyone not on the hot list. If you can’t afford Fendi and Gucci, and people don’t know who you are, you’re not really alive anyway, and therefore you shouldn’t be polluting a beautiful planet which we, in fact, own. Am I right?” Sixteen canisters of Serin gas were found on the premises, along with assorted land mines, rocket launchers, Cruise missiles, and crates of poisoned Poison perfume. In addition, it was learned that God’s bodyguard–Kevin Costner–had been promised a return to the A list from the dreaded B list once he completed his mission in Wichita against “those who are not even on the Z list.” When it was suggested that God herself was now on the C list, Costner first seemed stunned by the blasphemy, then whispered, “Hey, maybe there’s a place for me and Harrison in the Trinity, after all?” Raising his voice, then, Costner added, “Ally be praised!”
FRIENDS TO BE IMMORTALIZED
In order to improve attendance and save itself from the budget axe, The National Parks Service has decided to re-sculpt Mount Rushmore into the images of the former cast of Friends. In related news, the Screen Actors Guild has announced it will soon open its first church for general admission to the public. “We hope to supply the average Jane or Joe with a whole new venue for star worship,” stated the source, formerly a friend of a Friend. “Please, large denominations only when the plate is passed in your own neighborhood sanctuary. The clergy are making extraordinary contract demands, worse than the NBA and NFL Dioceses.”
NOBEL PRIZES FOR ACTING AND SINGING ANNOUNCED
In a move which may upstage both the Oscars and Grammys next year, the Nobel Prize committee this week announced two new categories of awards in acting and musical performance. These awards will replace the annual awards given in Economics and Physics, according to Hines Hanson, Nobel committee chairperson. “We’re number one,” Hanson told a roaring crowd attending a monster truck rally in Stockholm. Projections for soft drink sponsor revenue alone for the first awards extravaganza, to be hosted by The Chainsmokers, already exceed the GNP of many Latin American countries. “If there is continued demand for it,” Hanson declared, “maybe next year we’ll drop the Literature prize too, and replace it with Screenwriting or Fashion.” Nominated for the first Nobels are all the usual faces, plus Drake, Justin, Rihanna, Adele. In an ironic twist, the final Nobel Prize for Genetics is going to Dr. Carson Swalensky for his pioneering work in cloning Hollywood mega stars. And yes, you will be able to try this at home soon.
YACHT RACE MASSACRES FIFTY
Fifty spectators to the Celebrity Yacht Race in Long Beach were accidentally killed last night when a Celebrity Cruise ship piloted by Tom Cruise grazed a Carnival Cruise ship piloted by Penelope, and veered into the stands. “The two ships were supposed to pass in the night, but kissed off each other,” harbormaster Eric Ericson reported to the Long Beach Tattler after hours phone desk. “Please tell Katie, if you must, that all the celebs involved in the incident are truly, truly safe, and that anybody who is anybody wishes to express their deepest condolences to those who are not.”
RACE CAR DRIVER JEFF GORDON WRITES TELL-ALL BOOK
Nascar driver Jeff Gordon today announced both his retirement and the publication of a book he has co-written with Deepak Choprah titled LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND THE CHECKERED FLAG. Speaking to a group of Hollywood traffic school attendees required by law to buy his book, Gordon told Halle Berry, Jack Nicholson, Snoop Dogg and others that they should slow down and enjoy life instead of being obsessed with the future. “What is life anyway?” Gordon asked, metaphorically. “Is it a race? If so, is death the finish line?” Gordon then proceeded to outline the meaning of life, and the mysteries of the universe, using the blackboard and various charts and graphs. When done, he wiped the chalk from his hands, turned to the audience, and asked, “Now, does anybody know where I can buy a good used Toyota Camry?”
RED CROSS DOUBLECROSSES CHRISTOPHER CROSS
Finally, former one-album wonder Christopher Cross suffered the loss of his Topanga Canyon home when a freak brush fire roared through his neighborhood. The cross Cross was angered by being used in television commercials by the Red Cross to generate donations to their general fund, while he was given “zip,” although he staggered for several hours in his underwear through the debris, kicking at the embers and trading insults with the film crew hired by the Red Cross on retainer. Last seen, Cross was singing his way to Mexico, where weed is as inexpensive as gasoline, and where disaster relief includes donations to its own citizens. “I’m on the run, no time to sleep,” Cross told this reporter, “got a long way to go to the border of Mexico, so it’s time to ride like the wind, ride like the wind. . . .Sorry.”
(Pick a couple of these and narrate on Youtube; send us link!) by JLowe